god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
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