FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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