Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
