I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Pregnant stripper...not hot.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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