im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
