everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
