Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
