i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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