At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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