my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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