apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
my liver is dry heaving
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
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