What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Randomize
