There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
What drink are we having for lunch?
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Randomize
