I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
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