Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
