Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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