well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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