This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
it's great music for shaving your balls
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
