DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
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