Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize