he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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