I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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