In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
