Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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