I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Randomize
