my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
