I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
