so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
