I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
