I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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