Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
