While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Randomize
