if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
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