please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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