I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
