I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Randomize
