Since when is my name a synonym for head?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize