I didn't shave. On purpose
Non-Jews are for practice
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
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