my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
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