I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Randomize
