I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
