i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
This house was built for laser tag.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
