captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Randomize