Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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