By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
