Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
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