I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
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