Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
