Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
When did angry sex become our thing?
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
