Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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