Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
So much Jack, so little girl.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
