She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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