This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
