I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize