fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
