Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I checked into jail on foursquare
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
There's always time for handjobs
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
