How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize