my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
