The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
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