I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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