Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
