Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
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