Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I wish there were birth control emojis
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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