we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
