OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Randomize
