dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
