I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
