Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
